How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Can Help You Overcome Social Anxiety

Feb 13

Social Anxiety seems to have skyrocketed since the covid pandemic. I know I feel less centered at times when speaking to new people or being in groups. It’s like that time of isolation dulled my social skills that I’ve spent years honing and developing (I’m an introvert that’s learned how to tap into extroverted skills). What I didn’t realize until I was trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is that I had been tapping into the IFS “8 C’s” to work with my social anxiety the entire time! You might be wondering, “What are the 8 C’s?” Let’s start by exploring the IFS concept of the SELF to give some context.

Dr. Richard Schwartz, the creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, describes the SELF as your true, authentic core—the real you underneath everything else. It is characterized by the qualities of calmness, curiosity, confidence, compassion, clarity, courage, connectedness and creativity, commonly referred to as the "8 C’s." Unlike the other parts of you that might carry stress, worry, or tough emotions, your SELF is naturally grounded, wise and kind. Think of it as your inner leader or like a loving parent, friend or mentor that is there to guide and heal the parts of you that feel hurt, overwhelmed or stuck. Even when it feels like those louder, more protective parts are taking over, your Self is always there—you just need to notice it, step back from the noise, and let it take the lead. You know you’re accessing SELF when you notice you’re embodying with one or more of the 8 C’s.

So how do the 8 C’s work with social anxiety.... good question. Here’s the answer

Curiosity:
This is my number one, go-to tool for dealing with social anxiety, because it works! Instead of focusing on myself, I shift my attention to the person or people I’m talking to. When I’m curious about someone else, it takes the pressure off those nagging thoughts like, “What are they thinking about me?” or “Am I enough?” and helps me stay present in the moment. And honestly, people are fascinating! Ask questions, get genuinely curious about their answers, and really listen. Everyone loves feeling heard, and when they do, something amazing happens—you become more interesting to them. It’s funny how that works! They naturally want to be around you. By being curious and listening, you’re giving others a huge gift, and at the same time, you’re giving yourself the gift of freedom to let go of the pressure to perform, impress, or “earn” connection. You don’t have to try so hard—just show up with curiosity, and the rest takes care of itself.

Calmness:
Dealing with social anxiety can be tough, but here are a few tricks that help me. First, focus on your breathing—just take slow, deep breaths. It might sound simple, but it really helps you feel more grounded and in control. Another thing that works is noticing the good things about the person you’re with. When you focus on their positive qualities, the conversation can feel a lot easier and less stressful.

That said, not everyone is going to feel safe or comfortable to be around, and that’s okay. It’s important to know your limits, set boundaries and give yourself permission to step away if things start to feel overwhelming. Sometimes, taking a break is the best thing you can do for yourself. Find your balance, stay present and connect when it feels right, but don’t be afraid to step back when you need to.

Compassion:
I often remind my clients, “If I have parts, then they have parts too.” Through my own journey, I’ve worked to understand the parts of me that manage and protect my system, as well as the wounded, exiled parts that carry pain. By developing compassion for my own parts and their reasons for acting the way they do, it’s easier for me to recognize that others have protective and wounded parts as well. In Dr. Richard Swartz's No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model, he emphasizes that all parts of our psyche, even those we perceive as negative, have value and can be healed through self-compassion and connection with our true Self. What might look like “bad” behavior in someone else is often a protective part trying its best to respond in a way it can to feel safe. These responses may have developed over a lifetime and if not processed they can become destructive or no longer useful in adulthood. Younger parts may hold old beliefs like, “I need to get my way to feel safe,” “If I don’t get the last word, I’ll look stupid,” “I should only hang out with cool people,” or “What’s in it for me?” These internal voices are just wounded parts stuck in time, doing whatever they can to survive. It’s important to remember that someone’s behavior is never truly about you. It can feel personal, but most people are simply reacting to the world around them and trying to protect themselves and get by. When I see others through this lens, it allows me to approach them with greater empathy, patience, and understanding. A huge gift you can give someone is compassion. It reminds me of the Beatles lyric from The End: “...and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” When you give love and compassion freely, you not only strengthen your own resilience but often find that what you give returns to you.

Courage:
One definition of courage is having fear and doing it anyway. Courage is moving toward something and being with the fear rather than trying to get rid of it. Social anxiety can make it difficult to feel courageous, but I’ve found a few tools that help me manage anxiety when I’m heading to a gathering, party, or networking event. First, I acknowledge my anxiety—I don’t pretend it’s not there or try to fight it. Then, I set a realistic time limit: maybe an hour for a party, 45 minutes for a networking event, or just 20-30 minutes if it feels really intimidating. During that time, I tap into my “inner extrovert” and bring out my best outgoing self. The deal I make with myself is simple: I show up, give it my best effort for the set time, and then I get to leave guilt-free, knowing I did what I promised. The surprising part? I often end up staying longer and actually enjoying myself! On rare occasions, I’ve had to leave early—usually when the event vibe is just off, like if no one’s engaging and everyone’s glued to their phones. When that happens, I don’t beat myself up. I let it go and remind myself it doesn’t define how the next event will go. This strategy works for me almost every time, and it’s a game-changer for handling social situations with more confidence.

Confidence:
One of my favorite quotes is from the character Maddy on the HBO show, Euphoria: “90 percent of life is confidence. The thing about confidence is no one knows if it’s real or not.” While this is somewhat true, the ultimate goal is to cultivate genuine confidence. Confidence is about recognizing your strengths and leaning into them, especially in social situations. Before socializing, remind yourself of what you’re good at: “I’m a good listener,” “I know a lot of trivia,” “I love helping people” or “I love music and can talk about it forever.” We all have parts of ourselves that doubt or overthink, but we also have confident parts too. Confidence isn’t always about doing, it’s about BEING. Tap into that calm, self-assured side that knows how to take a breath and be present. Practice being in a social situation without having any agenda. That taps into BEING. Let go of any agenda and practice just simply BEING with others. Sometimes, the most confident thing you can do is listen. Giving others space to talk shows respect and self-assurance. If you’re still building confidence, it’s okay to “fake it till you make it. This mindset can help you push past fear and take small steps forward. Another way to feel grounded is to focus on helping others. If you’re anxious at a party, offer to help clean up or serve snacks. Being helpful gives you a purpose in social situations and makes it easier to connect with people and feel more confident. It also cultivates BEING. You are BEING of service and helping others and usually people notice and appreciate it. You become someone people want to be around. Embrace your unique strengths, no matter how small they might seem. Everyone has something valuable to offer in a conversation, and people will appreciate your presence when you show up authentically and attentively.

Clarity:
Clarity means seeing things as they are without jumping to conclusions or assuming what others are thinking. In social situations, focus on what’s actually happening instead of letting your mind create stories. Negative thoughts about yourself often come from old beliefs shaped by tough experiences, like wounds from childhood or unmet needs. These beliefs act like outdated software, influencing how you see the world. Practicing clarity helps you challenge those thoughts and realize they’re often wrong. For example, I once said hi to someone at a party, and she barely responded. I assumed she was mad at me, but later I found out she wasn’t feeling well and went home early. It had nothing to do with me! If I’d accessed clarity, I might’ve simply asked if she was okay. Staying present and focused on the moment keeps you grounded and helps you engage better with others.

Creativity:
Get creative with your social toolbox—find strategies that work for you and help you feel confident. For example, I always tell people upfront that I might need to hear their name twice to remember it. I explain that the first time, I’m focused on taking them in, and the second time, I’m locking their name into my brain. People usually appreciate this honesty and tell me they relate. Think about what works for you. Recall a time when you felt comfortable in a social setting. What made it easier? Did you have a friend with you? Were you wearing your favorite outfit? Did you play a great song on the way there? Maybe you hung out at the food table and let the conversation come to you. Write these things down and try intentionally recreating those elements to set yourself up for success.

Connectedness:
The 8 C’s are all pathways to what we’re truly seeking: connection. Nothing feels better than the sense of belonging, being part of something bigger, knowing you have a place. This universal need is timeless, and when it’s unmet, it can lead to dysfunction, such as joining cults, extreme nationalism, or religious zealotry. At the core, people just want to belong, to feel surrounded by others they resonate with. That’s why compassion is so important. We should extend understanding to those who struggle to find meaningful connections. Without that sense of belonging, people can suffer with issues like addiction, depression, or anger. These are often expressions of a deeper pain—the feeling of not fitting in or being disconnected. I hope this writing inspires hope and gives you tools to reduce social anxiety and find the connection you’re looking for. As Joseph Campbell said: “People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive... so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” When we connect with others, we feel truly alive. Connection isn’t just something we want—it’s a fundamental part of the human experience.

Overcoming social anxiety is a journey, but the 8 C’s of Internal Family Systems (IFS) offer a can guide the way. By embracing curiosity, calmness, compassion, courage, confidence, clarity, creativity, and connectedness, we can shift from fear and self-doubt to authentic presence and meaningful relationships. Social anxiety doesn’t have to define you, it’s just a part of you that needs support, understanding, and leadership from your true SELF. The more you tap into these qualities, the more you can step into social situations with ease. You already have everything you need inside you to connect, belong, and thrive.